Transforming the Control Freak Within

In our relentless pursuit of success, we often find ourselves caught in a web of control—striving to manage every aspect of our careers, performance, and even the perceptions of those around us. In this episode, we delve into the intricacies of control, exploring its underlying causes and providing valuable insights into navigating its complexities. Join us as we uncover:

• The fundamental reasons driving our need for control
• A breakdown of control into two distinct categories
• Practical tips for taming the inner control freak within us
• Strategies for effectively handling a controlling and micromanaging boss

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hi, welcome to the Career Refresh podcast. I'm your host, jill Griffin. I'm a former media and marketing executive, turned career strategist and executive coach. I spent my career working my way up and through the ranks of global organizations and startups, and today I show others how to be the same. Join me each week as we discuss the strategies and actionable steps to leverage your strengths, increase your confidence and develop your career well-being Ready, let's do it. Hey friends, welcome back. I'm your host, jill Griffin, and this is the Career Refresh podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Today, I want to talk about your inner control freak and the things that I did and my clients have done that have helped them refresh their mindset around always needing to be in control, while there are times in which being in control really helps, I'm guessing that, like me, you have high standards and you have a keen eye for quality. You're super efficient and competent. You're an achiever. Crossing things off your list and getting it done and, depending on what you do for a living, the control freak in you may help your personal brand and performance. People know that if you are on their project or account, things are going to get done right the first time, but today's emphasis is when the controller in you runs the show into the ground, so to speak. We think we can control things. We think if we own and potentially micromanage every aspect of our career or the account or the project that we're leading, we will be able to control the outcome. We try to control other people, their opinions, their words, the quality of their work. We want to control others' thoughts and what they might think of us and see my episode on other people's opinions for the deeds on how this is a completely fruitless exercise. The world is out of control. Okay, I'll buy your thoughts there. Your team is out of control and right now they're calling it the great resignation and everyone is trying to keep, inspire, motivate and find talent.

Speaker 1: 2:29

So I get it and I'll buy your thinking that that's out of control too, but there is nothing about these circumstances that you can change. Complete control can never be achieved, but your thinking is driving you to control more and you may be losing sleep, or it's sporadic at best. You can't relax in your downtime because you're spinning on all that needs to get done. You go global on your thinking really fast and you look for all that's wrong and not working versus what is working. And, of course, if you are controlling everything, you're probably exhausted. Your high standards are pushing others away because they know they're never going to please you and you may want to then numb out. So you over consume social media, you binge on Netflix, you consume food or alcohol. All of this is a mindset that keeps us stuck in this behavior. Your thoughts are causing you to communicate with words that are dripping with criticism, resentment, micromanaging also.

Speaker 1: 3:34

You can ward off that feeling of anxiousness. So I have a client who's desperately seeking a promotion and he's pretty pissed that he hasn't gotten recognized yet. Everything feels uncertain. He mentally questions everyone's behavior and motives. He looks for evidence of how things aren't working out for him and then, of course, when we look for evidence, we tend to find it. He walks around with a mixed bag of anxiousness, uncertainty and it's all wrapped in a blanket of anger, and he laughs and says that the chip on his shoulder is so big that he walks around slanted. Okay, so it's true that he hasn't gotten promoted, but is it helpful to keep thinking that there are other things he could be thinking like what is working well at the job or what he could be focused on in the future? This isn't putting your head in the sand. It's just knowing that what you focus on increases, and we want to be acknowledging when we are thinking and feeling negative about something and then pause and decide how we want to refresh our thinking. Continuing to beat the drum of what's not working leaves us more anxious. We spend time and mental energy on uncertainty and we review all the things that are not working versus what is working. We totally drain ourselves and push others away.

Speaker 1: 4:59

I had another client at one point who kept telling me all the things that she was doing to manage and motivate her team, but she couldn't understand why they were not taking the work more seriously and, as a result, she was micromanaging them. Occasionally, her team would jump the box and go to her skip level for support and feedback and then she would tell me that this caused her so much stress, anxiety and frustration and she was thinking why won't they just come to me? I mean, I'm not in their heads, but I'm guessing it was probably because she created an environment of perfectionism and the team didn't feel comfortable or safe coming to her with questions. Also, they're not causing her stress and frustration, she's causing that. They're taking action based on what they feel they need to do, which is really neutral and, while it may be out of process, that action is just a fact and when you neutralize the fact, you have an opportunity then to choose how you want to think about it. It still may be out of process and you still may need to talk to your team about what the process needs to be, but you get to manage your mind and decide how you want to think and respond. Before you actually respond to something, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1: 6:07

When we have controlling, criticizing or judgmental thoughts of others, we don't ever create the results we want, and because she's having the thought that they should come to me, first, she is creating a feeling of more anxiety and stress in her own body and then she's interacting with them from a place of anxiety and stress. This then further creates fear because she doesn't want to look bad in front of her leadership. Control is always a cover for anxiety and fear. We are anxious and afraid that we are not going to get what we want or that we might look bad, so we are trying to control everything. Being in control, frick, is about your approach to manage and control your anxiety. What do you do?

Speaker 1: 6:51

First, I want to talk about the two types of control. First type of control is primary control, and this is the control that you have over what you eat, your thoughts, how you set up your workspace, your thoughts about how you want to start your day mentally, are you going to exercise, the food you're putting in your body. This is changing the circumstance to fit yourself and we can only control ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings and actions. It's possible and it takes practice. The other kind of control is secondary control and this is about adapting to the things that you don't have control over. This is the ability to be in the flow instead of obsessing, controlling, clenching coming from anxiety and fear. You can call it acceptance or adapting, but this is about changing yourself to fit the world. If you think about the serenity prayer, accept the things that you can change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That's really what this is about.

Speaker 1: 7:56

When I first experienced my head injury, I kept fighting to get back to my pre-injury function. I was not accepting that I had broken some pieces in my head okay, in my ear canals but I wanted it to go back to what it was before and I spent more than a few years in a victim-y mindset. It was like why me? And then eventually I got to well, why not me? There's no arguing with reality. And even though I did that every day for years working with a coach, I was able to see in time that I had to put Humpty Dumpty back together again in a new way and I could be just as impactful, although it was going to look different.

Speaker 1: 8:39

Today, I believe, because of mindset and acceptance, that the head injury is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received, and it's where your freedom lies. It is not about giving up or not giving it your all. It's about knowing that there are so many things that are out of control COVID work, other people falling down waterfalls and getting a head injury. This control is because you think you know how someone or something should be, and I'm telling you that acceptance is the answer. It's the solution, and it's acceptance is not weak. It is doing what you can within your ability and then letting go of control. It's making a plan, doing the work, preparing for all the little things that might go wrong, but then letting go of what it might look like, and that's the freedom. That's how you get to sovereignty of self. We try to control everything, but it sucks our energy and our joy.

Speaker 1: 9:39

I once had a woman on my team who re-presented every slide that her direct reports presented. She was a newly promoted director, but what got her here isn't going to keep her here. She didn't know how to lead and that's the topic for another time. But we so rarely support an employee's transition as leaders. We give them no learning, no develop, no strengths coaching. We just say you're up and now it's time to perform. So how could she possibly know unless she had help? So back to this woman. A teammate would present the material and then she would jump in over them and say it her way. And her way was different, but it actually didn't add incremental value. It just meant that every slide was presented twice and it drove the client crazy because every presentation was twice as long. I coached her on this and helped her to see that she was creating an atmosphere where her team started to shrink because whatever they said wasn't going to be good enough for her. Her new plan of action was to review with the teammates in advance and make sure that they were hitting the highlights, but they got a chance to emphasize it and do it in their own style, in their own way, and once she released that control, our client meetings became lighter and so much more productive. The client even publicly complimented her and said that she could see how she was up leveling her team.

Speaker 1: 11:00

Freedom lies in the belief that other people are capable too. It just may not look your way. When we don't trust that they can do it. We're showing them that we believe that they are not capable, and that's certainly not very helpful or welcoming. Ultimately, the whole team stepped up because they were now more visible and everyone gets to rise to the occasion.

Speaker 1: 11:23

It's totally natural and completely human to want to control things. That is an outdated way of thinking. Outdated way of thinking is what do I want? How can I control all the elements to get what I want? The more empowering way of thinking is how do I want to go through this? What's possible? What do I need to be thinking in order to create that feeling? When you start to feel the inner control freak take over, I want you to pause, seriously, feel the sensation in your body For me it's usually in my chest or my throat and allow the feeling. The sensation is nothing more than neurochemicals coming through and working in your body. Allow the feeling to dissipate before you jump into action. Find the acceptance in the moment. Tell yourself that this is happening or it has happened. So what do you want to think about it and, when possible, delegate, take time to teach and train a teammate.

Speaker 1: 12:17

When someone complains about a junior on their team, so often the contributing factor is that they have not been properly trained. So how could they know what's expected of them and listen? You may not be the best person to train them. My top strengths, according to Gallup Clifton strengths, are futuristic and strategic, but my brain is firing a million ideas a minute and I'm already seeing where we should go, what we should do, how we should get there. My old way of training people was kind of like I can't slow down the car, so jump in and try not to get hurt Again, not very productive, and this style doesn't work for everyone, and that's not their fault. As a leader, I need to understand that everyone's brains work differently and if I want to be a successful leader, I need to play to their strengths. So through strength coaching, I learned that I have to reach out to meet someone where they are and then inspire them to run alongside me or get a translator. I have a client who's both a Harvard and a Yale grad and I have her permission to talk about this because if she's listening right now, she knows I'm talking about her.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Her communication style is sophisticated, she works fast and furious at a very high level and that's what she's paid to do. They need her solving those complex problems, but the problem was in the translation of the vision and the action to the work. There wasn't any. She was constantly frustrated by the lack of movement and the team was intimidated by her and feared asking her for more details or questions because they didn't really feel like there was space to do that. Productivity decreased and she couldn't understand what was happening. With her very smart and very capable team, we worked together to figure out whom she could deputize on the team to work with her genius and her very capable but very junior staff. Delegating to a new guy on the team that deputy allowed her to stay at a high level while lifting up another person who could then effectively become her chief of staff. That deputy was able to quickly translate her strategy and almost immediately get the team into action.

Speaker 1: 14:23

So, lastly, you may have to deal with a control freak or a micromanaging boss, but there are ways to manage him or her. First, figure out what his hot buttons are Surprises, lack of planning, budgeting, excel spreadsheets with deleted formulas and having manual input and if you are listening, I love you and manage his insecurities. This is the time to overcommunicate. Say phrases like got it on it, I'll update you once it's completed. Bring him important information. First, before you share with others, keep him in the know. Figure out what method of communication he prefers for communicating on a project. When I was managing large teams, I could be away for a two-hour meeting and come back to like 500 emails. My direct reports knew to send me a text, so I could quickly see what I needed to know and I could quickly get them an answer, versus having to dig through 400-some-on emails to find the particular email in need. There's no right answer, but it's an easy thing for you to do to help manage your boss.

Speaker 1: 15:26

Second, if he's a micromanager, get to a place of acceptance and, in the short term, be a sponge, suck up every bit of information you can and give him the benefit of the doubt. It could be because he doesn't trust you yet, or it could be that he just wants to make sure that he's trained you very well. If he's monitoring you extra closely and you want to know what's up, ask. So often leaders are reluctant to address things head-on. I know it's not ideal people are messy but if you ask, it gives both of you the opportunity to get clear and understand what's behind the extra monitoring. Your ego may get a little banged up, but it does provide you an opportunity to create your own plan for improvement and discuss goals. So often I find that managers do not set goals for employees or they are really squishy and subjective.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Over time, you'll build a track record of consistent and trackable performance and you can address with him what's possible for the future communication, collaboration and working styles. When you come from a future self possibility. That is your better advantage. Don't complain about the past, but look towards what's possible. This will put you in a proactive place to showcase your strengths and skills, and that is super empowering, my friends. From this place, you can decide if you want to stay or go, but whatever you decide, you'll be creating your results from a place of confidence that makes you pretty irresistible. You got this Okay, my friends, if you're interested in learning more about how I work with clients, or you're interested in strength coaching, check out the show notes to get more information.

Speaker 1: 17:05

Have a fab week and I'll see you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to the career refresh podcast. If you're enjoying this and want more information, go to my website, jill Griffin coachingcom. There you can find information on how to work with you one on one or my group programs, or even bring me into your workplace. I'll put the link to my website in the show notes, but, hey, listen before you go. Do me a favor, rate and review this podcast, because it definitely helps me get the word out to people every day, so they can also thrive in the workplace. All right, friends, I appreciate you. I'll see you soon.