Silence The Noise: How to Hear Your Inner Voice

In a world flooded with opinions, losing your inner voice is easy, resulting in overwhelm and confusion. In this episode, I share why this happens and 

• Why our brains love certainty 
• How to shut out the noise of other people’s opinions 
• When we are most susceptible to other’s opinions 
• How to tap into your instincts to know the next career move
• Why do you need to tighten the opinion circle 
• 4 proven ways to strengthen your connection to your inner voice 

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Other People's Opinions
• 7:46 Strengthening Your Inner Voice
• 17:20 Prioritizing Your Inner Voice

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey friends, this is the Career Refresh and I am your host, Jill Griffin. Today I'm talking about something that I am seeing a lot of lately. It's everywhere. It's the pandemic of other people's opinions, opinions that are so loud they crowd out your own inner wisdom, and then you add on all the other decisions you have to make, you add on what's going on in your world, locally, nationally, globally, and in front of you. You have all of these decisions and things to think about and the result is overwhelm, anxiety, stress, uncertainty, all of it. So here's what usually happens Again, taking it into career, you have some thoughts about what to do in your career, how to approach a strategic initiative, maybe even a situation at work.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Maybe you want to apply for that internal position or transfer to another industry, figure out how to transfer your skills, start your own business, start a side business while you're in your current job, or you have a compelling idea that you've put some thought to and you want to like kick around a bit more. And then you ask the people around you and those people you consider your trusted advisors. They know you right. So you ask your colleague, your dad, your spouse, your friends. Everyone has something to say, and sometimes they might even offer their opinion without even being asked. And here's what I've heard just in the last month, and I have permission to share these experiences. My dad said I have no experience in that line of work, so I should just stick with what I know. My fiance is completely freaked out because she now thinks that I'm moving to another state. My husband thinks I'm crazy for even considering this and oh, actually, that was my work. Husband thinks I'm crazy for even considering this idea. And my friend, who happens to be a registered nurse, thinks I should just quit, get a stable job and leave the tech sector. So you see, this is all of these opinions that are out there, and the one that I'm seeing probably the most right now is when someone is looking for their next job, or if they're unemployed, and they get the question how's the job search going? And then there's the pause because you're like, uh, what do I say? Cause you're not necessarily thinking that this rando person is going to ask you this and that's the giveaway. So now they're going to tell you how you need to get a job, what you need to do, how you need to change your resume, how you need to show up how you need to apply. You're getting all of this feedback and what I also hear from people is that the feedback doesn't fit, it's conflicting, it's distracting. So now you spend time correcting everyone and trying to re-explain so that they might understand better the exact question that you're asking them or the exact piece of area that you're looking to get feedback so they can give you better advice.

Speaker 1: 3:00

And I know I've personally been in situations where I feel myself it's like slow motion. All of a sudden, I'm like no, and I know I've personally been in situations where I feel myself it's like slow motion. All of a sudden, I'm like no, and I'm rolling myself back out of a conversation because the people I was talking to well, they're experts in their own life, not mine. People are messy and they often don't know how to not center themselves. In every conversation they're always looking at themselves as to how they fit into the scenario or what they would do, so they're centering it on themselves and they're thinking what they would do with your circumstances. And that doesn't really work because they don't have your brain, they don't have your circumstances, they don't have your education, your life experience, your lived scenario. So there's some directional advice perhaps, but it's not you, so they're not there. Their lived experience and the consideration that I'm talking about was so different than mine and the best. And of course, as a coach, I'm able to like be the watcher of my brain and I love when I get triggered because I'm like, ooh, what's going on here? The interesting thing was they weren't even curious about my life, they just, straight up, were telling me what to do with like an aggressive level of demand and then what they don't realize, which, again, I think is funny as I sort of turn into silent coach mode. And then I'm like, oh, why are you asking me these questions? But honestly, if I really go deeper and peel back, the experience was really alienating and uncomfortable and it made me withdraw from people because I wasn't clearly being seen for me, but I was being seen for rather what you think I should be do have or say based on your experience.

Speaker 1: 4:43

So why do we do this to ourselves? Well, friends, our brain loves certainty. Our brains want to make meaning and understanding of what's happening so that we can be certain of what to know and what to do next. It comes from evolutionary biology. Our brain is always taking in information and deciding very quickly. Is this danger? Do I need to do something? How do I need to handle this? What do I need to do? Our brain is always doing it and your brain is working perfectly normal and beautifully, and that's what it's supposed to do. But our brains hate uncertainty.

Speaker 1: 5:19

And what I find is that when we're feeling shaky or vulnerable or uncertain or what I call halt hungry, angry, lonely, tired we want someone to tell us what to do to be safe. Let them run the show. And I remember there were times in which I loved my career, but the pressure of the week, of the new business pitch or whatever it was that we're working on, was so intense that by the time I got home with either to a roommate and then eventually my husband, it was I don't know what I want to eat, just make a decision. I don't know what I want to do tonight, just make a decision. And in those cases it was totally fine for me to outsource because I had nothing left to give. So you want to be really cautious when you're in those places of hungry, angry, lonely and tired, because it's usually the time that we give away our agency and we let someone else make the decision.

Speaker 1: 6:09

As I said, the challenge is that everyone has an opinion, but there's no strategic ops team that's going to come in and help you with the solutions and then shepherd you to the desired result. Right? It's a drive-by that they're having a conversation with you at a family barbecue and that's the attention we're getting. Your colleagues, your friends, the people you live with and love they all want the best for you, but they think they know, based on your career and your choices and your lifestyles, what you should do. It's that inherent bias that comes through and here are some of the ways that I also see it show up, so you might be able to identify yourself in some of these scenarios is you want to get everyone's advice on your career or a career move, so you go to people in your circle because someone is going to have the best answer. So you collect opinions. You then start to sort them out, maybe combine similar ideas and try these opinions or data points or information on, because you think that the data or the opinion or the information is going to tell you how to move forward. It's not. It's your thoughts about the data or the information that's going to teach you or show you where you should move forward, and you're afraid because you don't want to make a mistake, because time and money are precious. So if I do that, what might happen? If I do this, what might happen? You get to choose, you get to make the decision. And just while we're at it, I don't believe in bad decisions, I believe there's just other decisions to make. We get data. Yeah, sometimes it wasn't the best decision, but there's still something to learn from that experience and then you can apply it to where you're moving forward.

Speaker 1: 7:46

My next example is like ideas are coming out of your gorgeous brain. You may want to apply for that opportunity. Maybe you want to work for yourself? Hey, maybe I should switch careers. What if I move to the West Coast office and you start sharing these ideas with others?

Speaker 1: 8:03

The problem is is that you are like a baker who is thinking of making a cake. However, you haven't even taken the batter and you haven't even taken the eggs and the butter out to rest at room temperature. So you're having all these loose ideas and people don't know what to make of it. So they tend to negate their idea, your idea, because they're thinking well, what does this mean for me? So, depending on who the person is, your idea and your ideation may impact them. So suddenly they're on the roller coaster with you and, depending on what the information is, they're thinking what does this mean for me? So I'm not telling you not to bring people into your ideas. I'm saying, if the butter and eggs aren't room temperature yet, maybe we can wait a little bit before we bring them in. Maybe we can start deciding that it's going to be a vanilla cake versus a chocolate cake before we bring people into our thought process. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm wanting you to do, so that you're relying on yourself first and you're tapping into your own inner wisdom before bringing in the cacophony of voices that are going to come at you.

Speaker 1: 9:09

The next example that I have see a lot is that you got some mixed performance information right. So your work performance you got some mixed information. Was this true? Is this really me? It's nuanced what was said. There's parts of it that again feel like all right, I could agree with that. There's parts that maybe you don't agree with it, and it's funny because we often sit with the negative parts and we're convinced that those are true, but we don't give equal weight to the good pieces of information that we received. So you want to figure out again. You're asking your trustee crew. You're asking them what they think this means, what you should do as a next step, because we want them to help us make meaning, and we want to be able to make meaning from what we see or feel. We always want to make meaning of this.

Speaker 1: 9:56

Then we go down the spiral of whys why did this happen? Why do we feel this way? Why did they say this? What should I do as a coach? Sometimes, why is a really powerful question? And sometimes why is the shittiest question ever? It can be terrible because it spins us into a spiral of questions that usually result in more whys. Because we don't have the answers yet, because we haven't done the thinking, it's not helpful and it's going to lead to overwhelm. So you can't possibly think of all the answers to all of those questions that you feel are vital.

Speaker 1: 10:33

When you're feeling time and resources are precious, you're feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired. You're asking yourself all these questions Well, what should I do then? And then, if that happens, what should I do with this? And then, if this is done, what should I do there? Right, so you're on this. Why spiral? So?

Speaker 1: 10:46

We often then, when the overwhelm happens, is that we lean on the people nearby us and help them, and we want them to help us get out of it. But again, people are messy and they could have had a really bad day at work and suddenly you're asking them a question and they're giving you an answer and you're like wait, what? So I want you just to take a moment and really realize that when you listen to everyone else, you lose yourself. And I'm going to say that again when you listen to everyone else, you lose yourself. So what do you do instead? I got some ideas.

Speaker 1: 11:23

One breathe, literally breathing. This is going to calm you down. This will help you pause and tap into the inner voice, especially if you're feeling anxious or it feels urgent, and I don't mean urgent like the lion isn't chasing you. You're not running out of a burning building. Yeah, that's when it's urgent. Go for it. But you want to breathe. You want to stop pushing. Why don't I have the answer? Why hasn't this been decided yet, right? Why don't I know yet? Ease up on yourself.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Sometimes we keep pushing and demanding an answer from our brains and it doesn't work that way. It's usually when we give ourselves space for meditation, exercise, taking a walk in nature, walk the dog, doing a hobby or doing anything else than thinking and trying to figure it out is when we have a chance to hear that voice. The next building on that is getting quiet. This is the time that streaming services, people, social media, music all of those voices and actual noise around you makes it really hard to hear your own voice. I often like to ask myself a question, write it down, meditate or read a book for a bit, go for a walk if meditation isn't your thing. And then I come back to the question and give a free write to the answer, meaning I ask myself what should I do about blah, blah, blah? Give it a little space, come back to it and just start writing. At first you're like I don't know what I'm writing. Trust me. In time, you start writing and you're almost coaching yourself, you're giving yourself some thoughts to explore further and some additional answers. And this is where, again, I will say I find that the universe's message to you is never urgent. It's usually quiet and a whisper, and you'd be surprised what you may tap into if you're giving yourself an opportunity to hear it.

Speaker 1: 13:19

The next is, I would say make a super tight list of who is in the inner circle, and I've done episodes before on board of directors. Not everyone might be in your inner circle for everything. You might have someone you would talk to about a relationship issue, whether platonic or romantic, and you might have a different person that you might talk to about a business situation. My point is get tight on it. Not everyone needs to be part of your inner process for everything. This is not a referendum. It is not a public vote.

Speaker 1: 13:48

Returning again to the cake analogy maybe get the batter whipped up into a cake pan before you start asking everyone or telling everyone that you've made a cake right. Get some concrete ideas and information before you start sharing with others and listen. You want to be able to be in a place of curiosity and openness and maybe neutrality, because when you then bring in other people on the opinion, they're not going to be reading any negativity off of it. They're going to sense the curiosity and the neutrality in you and you may get a different result from them. I'm talking in your inner circle. Maybe it's a coach, maybe it's a mentor, maybe it's one other person, depending on the topic. And I want to be clear we are not excluding people, we are not being secretive. We're simply letting our own thoughts take hold a bit so that you're not like a piece of seaweed getting all knocked around and get knocked a bit with every different piece of opinion. All right.

Speaker 1: 14:51

And then the last thing that I love to do is a little game I've invented and I call it the knowing game, and I made this game out of my own desire to find ways to strengthen my inner voice beyond meditation, because, yeah, I put my butt in the seat every day, for I don't know what it's 25 plus years at this point. I'm also a certified meditation instructor, so I teach others how to meditate, but sometimes I can't meditate. I will tell you, I have figured out how to meditate on the New York City subway, and that's meditation with your eyes open, for sure, but it's really finding a way to tap into that inner knowing. So when I've suggested this to my clients, I will tell you they first think I am batshit crazy, they think I'm nuts, they think it won't work, but then they always come back to me with really interesting ideas and new perspective. So here's how it works.

Speaker 1: 15:43

You are not allowed to do anything without tapping into your inner voice and deciding first. So now you're thinking what does this look like? Okay, so you're getting dressed in the morning. You are going to decide that you want to wear jeans and a t-shirt or you want to wear that cute dress. Before you open your closet or your drawers, you make the decision first. Then you go find what you want. You're not allowed to stand there in your closet or with your drawers and wonder what to wear because again, that's like pushing away your agency. We want to come into that inner voice Hungry. Don't open the pantry or the fridge without connecting in and deciding what you want. You're dying for Korean barbecue. Great, connect with that and I'm going to guess the odds are you don't have that fresh and ready for you in the fridge. That's okay.

Speaker 1: 16:38

The point of this exercise is listening to what you want first and then completing the decision. Let's continue. Spotify, pandora, apple Music, amazon Music same thing. Decide you want Taylor Swift Radio or Coffee Shop Vice. Then open the app Streaming platforms. You got it. Decide you want that true crime documentary or a rom-com. Then open the app and go look for what you want. A couple of things. You can change your mind once you get inside the closet, or once you get and open the app.

Speaker 1: 17:20

The exercise is for you again to start hearing that voice and letting that voice speak to you again. You're listening to that voice first before you're bringing in an outside opinion. Here's what I know to be true for sure, our friends and family want the best for us, or if they don't, then that's another episode. But we need to be selective. I love that you have people around you that care and want to give you advice, but listening to everyone means often losing yourself. Strengthening your connection with your inner voice, flexing that muscle through the suggestions that I've made again, adding in that quiet time, meditation, reading, getting outside are the things that help you reconnect to that voice. There's nothing wrong with getting advice and input, but we want to make sure that we have time for ourselves first before bringing in the whole neighborhood into our ideas. All right, friends, practice listening to your voice, that inner voice. Get really curious, be kind. All right, friends, practice and I will see you next time.