Effective Strategies for Handling Annoying Co-Workers and Negative Feedback

Listener QA episode I’m answering your top questions on: 

• How to move forward after getting negative feedback
• What to do about your co-worker who annoying and can't mind their own business

Chapters

• 0:04 Navigating Critical Feedback in Career
• 6:14 Managing Feedback and Difficult Colleagues

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hi, welcome to the Career Refresh podcast. I'm your host, jill Griffin. I'm a former media and marketing executive, turned career strategist and executive coach. I spent my career working my way up and through the ranks of global organizations and startups and today I show others how to do the same. Join me each week as we discuss the strategies and actionable steps to leverage your strengths, increase your confidence and develop your career wellbeing. Ready, let's do it. Hey, everyone, welcome to the Career Refresh podcast. I'm your host, jill Griffin.

Speaker 1: 0:55

I just got back from a week-long intensive with one of my business coaches. A few other CEOs, a few other entrepreneurs were there and we were just all on fire for what is possible for the rest of this year and as we think about next, the opportunity to sit and pause and to really think about the goals that I'm setting and then also to work with other high like high vibe, high mindset, positive mindset. You know we started calling them engines, like who are the engines in your life? Who propels you forward versus the anchors in your life? Engines in your life who propels you forward versus the anchors in your life? Those people and individuals and circumstances and places that keep you anchored and not in growth and you know when I think about that, this weekend of like building a community and really leveling out my career is one of the most important investments that I've continued to make in myself. I've been investing in mentorship, guidance and coaching gosh now for over 20 years and I can absolutely tell you that I have probably a thousand X to my investment. Is that possible? But I have definitely received a return on investment multiple times more than the dollars that I have put out and it also gets you there like so much faster, much less stress and look, I'm a coach. So obviously I believe in coaching, but I'm also a product of my work and I invest in various coaching opportunities so that I can stretch to see what's possible. And you know, as we're rounding out the back half of the year and winter is coming, there's definitely a lot of game of thrones references on the retreat, because sometimes we do go into physical and mental winters and we want to make sure that we always have a game plan to kind of like catch ourselves for how we can get out of it. And one of the fastest ways again that I have done this is working with a coach. It's just been a phenomenal experience.

Speaker 1: 2:44

Okay, so I want to actually get into this week's topic and it is about listener questions and many of you have written in and asked similar questions, and I always think one of the best things about coaching is that you can benefit and always listen to someone else's question and find key solutions or key takeaways and how you can apply that to your own similar situations or in the future. So let's dig in the first question. The listener writes how do I take in and process critical feedback? Often there's some validity to it, but other times I don't agree with the situation because it's really nuanced. Sometimes it's hard to hear the feedback. How do I stay open so I can grow but at the same time, ignore what's not helpful or true? How do I manage not getting defensive? Oh, this is such a great question and really intuitive, so let me break it down, because there's actually a few questions in there, and take it one at a time.

Speaker 1: 3:48

The first part of this listener's question was how do I take in and process critical feedback? At the simplest level, I find that writing down the exact words that someone said to you, or if it's a review, an annual review and you have it in writing, or if it's an email, look at the actual facts, and that's what I mean by the exact words. Then I always want to know how do I feel about that feedback? So write down your thoughts and some thoughts may generate negative feelings sadness, anger, defensiveness but it's important to allow yourself to pause and feel those negative emotions. It's not about not feeling them. Those feelings are just neurochemicals pulsating through your body and if you give the sensations a little bit of attention, they usually start to dissipate and they may swell up again. But over time these sensations will reduce and if you don't process the emotion, it's going to come out somewhere.

Speaker 1: 4:48

If you've been listening for a while, you know it's either overeating, over drinking, too much social media shopping or some other vice of choice. And when we over consume, we are doing it to either numb a feeling in hopes that the act of consuming will create another thought of feeling that'll make us feel better. But it's a temporary fix and over time it's diminishing returns. The fix pays off less and less. The reason it's hard for us to hear feedback if we tackle the next part of the listener's question is because of our thoughts. When we're defensive, it's hard to move forward productively.

Speaker 1: 5:27

And one of my favorite and perhaps most annoying questions that I ask myself is what am I making this mean? What am I making the feedback mean? It can be useful to listen and marinate on the feedback while asking yourself hey, do I find any truth here? Are there any agreeable points? Do I see where they're coming from? Again, writing down those thoughts that you notice how each thought makes you feel and then notice what you do when you feel that way, and that's the fastest way to see the results that you're creating. So instead of asking how can I stay open to the feedback, I think a juicier question would be how come I become triggered or bothered by this feedback?

Speaker 1: 6:14

If the feedback bothers you, you know you have work to do and often, when we are triggered by feedback, it's because there's either a little bit of shame, which, according to Brene Brown, is always about unwanted identity it's about seeing how others see you, which can be triggering or it may be because there's a little bit of you that believes what they have said was true and you don't like that realization. Your work is to work on your thoughts and manage them, and please realize that someone else's opinion of you, whether positive or negative is really about them. We can't take a compliment and allow ourselves to feel good and better about ourselves, but then, when it's a negative comment, feel good and better about ourselves, but then, when it's a negative comment, expect our brains to just toss out the comment and disregard any thoughts. It doesn't work. You can't have it both ways. You want to get to a place where you are not at the mercy of other people's opinions, with emotional highs and lows, but that you can pause, separate the story from fact and decide what you want to get from and how you may want to grow from those facts. And once you separate the story from facts, I'm going to suggest that you write down those thoughts and find more neutral ones that you can believe in this moment. So ways that you can neutralize and create new thoughts could be to start sentences with any of these phrases Someday I will believe that and fill in the blank. I'm working on believing. I'm open to the possibility of dot, dot, dot. I keep thinking X, y, z and that's okay. Okay, let's go to the second question.

Speaker 1: 7:58

This listener writes my coworker, who I'll call Connie, always has something to say about my work, my deliverables, my projects, and it's so effing annoying. She's not even really adding value. She's not saying anything new or different. She's not talking to me or engaging with me, but rather with our ELT. It's like she wants everyone to know that she's smart and engaged. She always has to put her two cents in. Then my boss will engage in the dialogue and they will start talking about the project as if I'm not even there and I'm still on the Zoom call. I want to speak up, but I feel like I can't get in there. I kind of end up sitting there like a fool on zoom waiting for them to stop so I can continue with presenting my POV. It always swirls and then we run out of time and I feel like I can never move forward with projects. So how should I deal with Connie the commenter? I love that Connie the commenter.

Speaker 1: 8:52

If you've been listening for a while, you know that I work on mindset and method. First we need to manage our minds, then we need, from a managed mind, get into action. So I would say to this dear listener that you have a lot of thoughts about Connie the commenter, so I want to look at a few of them. You wrote she always has something to say about my work, my deliverables and my project. She's not talking to me or engaging with me, but rather with our ELT. She wants everyone to know that she's smart. And then you said about yourself I feel like a fool, I feel like I can't get in there, I feel like I can never move forward. What are the facts? So in this case, the facts are she makes comments, she engages with your boss. You don't speak, you don't move the project forward. Those are the facts. Everything else is just you interpreting the situation through a negative lens, and it's not going to help you to up-level and polish your executive presence if you are coming from this mindset, because facts don't create your thoughts. You cause your own thinking. So the first question I have for you and I'm guessing that I know the answer is how do you feel when you say these things? Do you find these questions that you're asking yourself helpful? No, and once you have the answer, you'll be able to see what your thoughts are doing to your mindset and your emotions. So I'm just going to put this out there. What if she's just really curious? What if she keeps expecting you to engage and wants a robust discussion with you to up-level the work.

Speaker 1: 10:33

One of the reasons why I dig in deep on strengths-based coaching in my work is that when we look at strengths, we also look at blind spots. So think of a blind spot as something that gets in the way of your success. So when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, our best talents sometimes can turn into weaknesses and this becomes a blind spot. So, for example, what if Connie, this colleague, ranks really high on Gallup's Clifton Strengths Assessment with the strength of strategic? So one of the things about the strategic strength is that it's someone who can really find a pattern, quickly evaluate and move forward. They're able to think strategically and do it at a very rapid speed and there's like no drama. But a blind spot of someone who has a strategic rank very high in their strengths is that because they move so quickly, the people they work with may find it difficult to follow or to understand the thought process of how we got here. She could actually be working into her blind spot because she knows that in order to solve strategic challenges we have to get everybody else on board. So maybe she's not trying to be smart, but that her brain works fast and strategically and she's seeking alignment with all the people on the call.

Speaker 1: 11:58

If you think about it this way, if you think about the best about her, what would be different for you? How could you rethink this? If she was your office BFF? Would you be thinking the same way about her? So it comes down to this you want to change her, but her behavior isn't right or wrong. You think that she should behave differently than how she currently does, and this is the thought that's causing your discomfort. You have an expectation of how she should behave, and that is handing over your power of how you are going to feel to someone else. The freedom from this situation lies in taking responsibility for your thoughts and creating your own rules for how you want to behave. Again, executive presence Controlling our behavior is challenging enough, but trying to control other people's behavior is inevitably frustrating for both parties and it's ultimately ineffective. So what could you do instead?

Speaker 1: 13:05

I want you to think about the result that you want to create, because this is a hundred percent on you. You can't say I want them to let me speak or I want them to not jump in. That's not a result, because you can't control someone else's action. Results are a hundred percent. What's in your control? A result could be that you want to convey your point of view succinctly, then I want you to think about how you need to be feeling in order to do that Confident, focused. And then, of course, I want you to think about what you need to be thinking in order to create that confidence, something like I am prepared, I am ready, I am resourceful. Those types of thoughts are going to create feelings in you like calm or confidence, or focused, or determined, and it's from that place that I want you to think about the results you're going to create and how you're going to approach the next status call.

Speaker 1: 14:07

You may also want to practice and when I mean practice, I mean common responses without defensiveness, drama, frustration or victimhood, so that you can tap into these responses if needed, meaning various people might ask these types of questions. It's almost like building your own FAQ before you go into the standing meeting. What does that look like? Thank you for asking that question, connie. I think we should blah, blah, blah. That's a really great point, connie, and I believe I have a solution. Well, thanks everyone. You've added some really great insight here, and I'll be sure to add this feedback into the next version.

Speaker 1: 14:49

Do you see, when you start thinking about how you could answer in advance without defensiveness, drama and frustration and without being a victim. Suddenly you're taking your power back and you're showing up differently in the meeting. And lastly, in case someone does ask a question that you are not prepared for, ask a clarifying question. This will give your brain time to think and get you out of freeze, which will then disempower you. Interesting question, connie. Can you give me more context? Great point, connie. How do you see that playing out Gives you a moment to think. Asking that qualifying question and putting the focus on someone else and getting it off yourself. Or you could throw it to another colleague in the meeting and that'll give you a moment to think.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Lastly, if you really have no clue, you could go one of two ways. You could say something like I think we're aligned, connie, but I'd like to check on a few inputs after this meeting and I'll get back to everyone. Right Shows that you're taking a stance, you're resourceful, you're strategic thinking, but you're taking a pause. Nothing wrong with a pause. Another way it could be. Great point. I'm not certain, but I know that, that we will find an answer and I'm going to get back to you. You can be confident. Even if you don't know all the answers, it's not a problem. We like to work with authentic people, not those who are totally full of it, and I have found that using the responses that I just mentioned have a way to always work in your favor, because you build trust, collaboration and alignment.

Speaker 1: 16:22

All right, everyone. Thank you for your questions. Keep them coming. I will definitely follow up in future episodes and answer more of your questions. It's fun. You can see in the show notes where to send me a question, or you can find me on social media. Have a great week and I'll see you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to the career refresh podcast. If you're enjoying this and you want more information, go to my website, jillgriffincoachingcom. There you can find information on how to work with me one-on-one or my group programs, or even bring me into your workplace. I'll put the link to my website in the show notes, but, hey, listen before you go. Do me a favor, rate and review this podcast, because it definitely helps me get the word out to people everywhere, so that they can also thrive in the workplace. All right, friends, I appreciate you. I'll see you soon.