3 Types of Workplace Narcissists and How to Deal with Them

Navigating a workplace narcissist can be exhausting. Learn how to set boundaries, protect your confidence, navigate toxic people, and take control of your career.  This episode breaks down:

• How to identify the 3 different types of office narcissists
• The hidden damage they cause to your confidence & career
• Practical strategies to manage and outmaneuver them
• How to protect your energy and workplace reputation

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Workplace Narcissists
• 9:07 Managing High Functioning Workplace Narcissists
• 19:17 Navigating Emotional Exhaustion With Narcissists

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey, I'm Jill Griffin. I am a career strategist, former C-suite executive and an executive coach, and over the last well, many years, I've helped thousands of professionals achieve their goals and improve their overall workplace performance, and many times even reinvent themselves. This is the Career Refresh, your source for actionable insights on career leadership and workplace performance. Today, we're talking about the office narcissist and friends. I'm doing this again in a little bit of a different way today because so many people asked questions and wanted additional feedback because of the nuances of the office narcissist. So let's get right to it and dig in.

Speaker 1: 0:45

The narcissist personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. It's really a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance. They have a deep, excessive need for intention and admiration. They often have troubled relationships, lots of conflicts and they really lack empathy. And the reason why the narcissist is so damaging is that it's not straight and clear. They are charismatic and magnetic and there's something about their personality that makes them very, very attractive and you're drawn to them. It feels like the sunshine on your face when you are in their inner circle and really getting attention. But stick around long enough and you'll see that their traits and communication style will be a blow to your self-esteem. You'll start to lose your confidence. You'll have issues and you might even have issues with your own executive decision-making because you're constantly in the blender with them. You're not really clear on how to move forward and I'm talking about this today so that you don't fall into the trap that you start to notice it and, while it may not be perfect the way that you navigate it, you have some tools that you don't feel like. You're in that blender all the time. Studies show that there's anywhere from 40 to 90% of people have experienced the narcissist and I really believe that range is so big because people are afraid to come forward and say it or they're not quite clear that it was narcissism. They've been through it, they've seen it. There's a wide range because most people, as I said, are even afraid to confront it or, in certain cases, even go to HR about it, all right. So there's the background.

Speaker 1: 2:34

The three narcissists that I most commonly see that come up in the workplace is the one that I'm going to call the grandiose narcissist. There's the high functioning narcissist and there is the very fragile narcissist, and for my own expertise and training, I'm going to tell you what to watch for and then offer some suggestions on what to do. And here's the thing, in order to make it relatable, so that you could really picture it is I related the we'll call them characters, these narcissistic characters. I related them to movies and television so you can really see how the individual plays the game. And in some cases, I'll tell you I had to do research to find alternative options. So I'd love to hear your thoughts. Oh, as you know, email me at hello at jillgriffincoachingcom, so that I can hear your feedback and see if you identify or if you've had these people in your office place and have been subjected to them.

Speaker 1: 3:31

So, dealing with the grandiose narcissist this is someone who thrives on control, lacks empathy, manipulates constantly to maintain power and requires a very, very strategic approach. This is Miranda Priestly Dever Wears Prada. This is Homelander the Boys. And this is Logan Roy, from everyone's favorite succession. They are charming when it suits them and they are ruthless when challenged. So here's some ways to think about managing this. I want you to set boundaries Seriously. They are going to test your limits. So you setting clear, non-negotiable boundaries is going to really help. Be direct, keep your communication short. I'm not telling you to be unprofessional or unfriendly. Don't be like chipped in your responses, but don't offer them personal details that they will later weaponize against you If they try to manipulate you into doing extra work or even taking the fall for some of their mistakes. This is where you need to push back, not with feelings but with facts, because they are going to respect power, not emotions.

Speaker 1: 4:50

The next area is really again on. You is mastering that art of emotional detachment. Okay, this has nothing to do with you, but your name is all over it. This is their chaos. It's not about you, this is about their ego. So don't engage in their drama or power plays. Do not engage if they are back channeling or gossiping and if they're pulling you in a situation, don't feed into it. Just, you know not, oh really, you know like being very, very detached and neutral If they start to turn it and insult you or undermine you or try to bait you to take a reaction.

Speaker 1: 5:31

This is the I'm going to say. Beth Dutton from Yellowstone, right, you being calm, unshaking and being really, really again into the detachment is really going to help you here. I want you to communicate factual and, where possible, document everything they're going to twist words to try to serve themselves or, if they're caught into a corner, they're going to do it so that you take the fall. So this is where you're going to need to keep emails clear, tracking deadlines, confirming discussions and writing. You know, avoid anything Like if they're going to text messaging. I want you to write back an email and say, just so we're clear, you want me to do blah, blah, blah. I want you to be able to track things. You're not trying to catch them, it's just keeping it clear and friendly. And if they try to take credit for your work, you have an option to make sure that your contributions are visual to the other executive leaders and finding ways that you're talking about yourself but not necessarily drawing any spotlight on them. Claim what's yours.

Speaker 1: 6:41

I also am going to suggest that you lower your expectations and the number of interactions. They're not going to change. Remember, this is a personality disorder and fairness doesn't exist in the world. This is when we say Jill, would that be the state fair or the county fair? Because there ain't no fair.

Speaker 1: 6:59

So instead of hoping that maybe this time their behavior is going to change, I want you to focus on controlling yourself, controlling your actions and reactions and limit any necessary interaction, Knowing that they're probably going. This is not to make you panicky. It's that when you constantly separate story from fact and then enable yourself to answer to the facts and not the story, that is how you're going to navigate through it. Because if you're always bringing the last interaction with you, that's going to show in your behavior and your responses. You might be off, you might be panicking, you might be anxiety, you might be combative. So it's like, how do you prepare with a loose garment and not wear it like armor, but make sure that you're really thinking through oh, I have a meeting with them. What are the parts that I need to address? They might answer it this way how do I want to respond?

Speaker 1: 7:52

And really, being intentional, I also want you to build a strong network internally for the grandiose narcissist. This is making sure that you are not isolated. You want to cultivate strong allies and leadership and really work cross-functionally. I mean, that's what we should all be doing anyway, right? But what often happens with the narcissist in the beginning is their sunlight is so bright that you want to go towards the sun, so all of a sudden you don't even realize that you've fallen into. You know it's like a Venus fly trap, right, you don't realize that you've fallen into the trap and now suddenly you're going to be in a situation where that's going to turn on you. Anybody who isn't very close to the narcissist may not recognize their behavior. Trust me, when anybody gets close to it, they're going to see it. So just making sure that you have a trusted network will help you navigate this. You are not to gossip. You are not to talk poorly about anyone. You're just making sure that you have a network that understands the value that you create every day and the deliverables that you're working on, because if it comes to it, then you have fans and if there ever is a conversation that's bigger, you are able to have people who are able to also speak factually about the contributions you've made. All right, that's the grandiose one.

Speaker 1: 9:07

The next one is what I would call the high functioning narcissist, and this person isn't as dangerous as the grandiose. They're just really draining. They're charming, they're socially agile, they are obsessed with their own smarts. This is Tony Stark from Iron man. This is Barney Stinson from how I Met your Mother. This is Jordan Belfort of the Wolf of Wall Street. Big personalities, big ego to match. They dominate conversations, they flex their accomplishments whenever they can, and they are in a constant need for validation. So here's how I suggest you keep your sanity. One is manage, don't challenge. So don't try outshining them on a call, and it's just not worth it, right? They thrive on an audience. So instead redirect the conversation where possible or subtly guide their energy towards useful topics, things like oh, that's so interesting. How would that? How would you apply that to what we're working on now? Right, keeping things super productive.

Speaker 1: 10:14

Next is leveraging their need for attention. This is a little like Jedi mind trick, right? You want to be thinking about, if they love the spotlight so much, how can you use that to your advantage? So, if you need someone to champion a project, if you need someone that's going to help advocate, or if you report to them, how do you get that ELT buy-in? You may want to let them take credit sometimes, then, for the ideas that you don't necessarily mind sharing or are not that precious to you, because they're going to promote them like their own anyway anytime you're not in the room, and you want to maybe find a way that making them feel like they're some of the genius behind it. And again, this is going to be really strategic, because you're going to have to decide when it's worth it to you to do that, if you need to get something done, versus if there's something on the line where you need to personally have your name attached to it. Again, that's when you need to work with a mentor or hire a coach specifically so you can figure out how to strategize and how you want to play that. But that would be the key there really thinking about how, if you need to move something forward, how you can leverage their need for attention.

Speaker 1: 11:15

The next thing I'm going to say with these folks is set a talk budget right, a talk time budget. They are got a monologue forever. It's going to be a soliloquy left and right, and if you find yourself stuck in the conversation, this is where you have opportunities to say oh my God, this is so good. I want to hear about this. Maybe we can do this at lunch tomorrow, but I've got to get this deadline out right. There's one way you can handle it. Another thing can be like oh my God, that is the most hilarious story and you're going to have to tell me anything. Why don't we talk about it after the meeting and, right, push it off so that you're able to get your work done from the rest of the team. Let's go ask them right, so that you're really putting that budget and you're making sure that you're not getting stuck. They love to talk, and always about themselves. They're not just storytellers, they are single character storytellers, so you want to make sure that you don't get stuck in their captive audience sort of vacuum for that long.

Speaker 1: 12:24

Next is, where possible, control the narrative. This narcissist, right, this high functioning narcissist, isn't as malicious as the grandiose one, but they do want to look good and if you need them to pivot from something, I want you to think about framing it in a way that makes them look even better. Instead of okay, that's not going to work, or we tried that, you want to say things like you know. I think if we want to tweak this, this will be an opportunity to actually showcase that strength, right? So you might say something like you know what you're right. If we want to tweak this, we should do that. This would give us a great opportunity to show your strategic thinking on this right. Pivot it to. We need to change, but we're going to showcase them, and that way you control the narrative. You can also use it in a way that's like you know what this is really your expertise. How do you think we can, you know, fine tune this or synthesize this right? So you're saying it in a way that brings them in, they're going to feel admired and that will get them to be much more flexible.

Speaker 1: 13:32

You want to next be selectively engaged. Do not cut them off completely. That is not going to go well. Just control the access. So, when it's necessary, engage, get it. But and you can it's going at times to be draining If they dominate meetings or derail discussions. Be polite, but saying things like thank you so much for weighing in, I just want to make sure we hear from a couple of other people and then we'll come back around to you. That's great insight. Can we capture that and then keep moving and get other feedback too? Thanks for sharing. Does anybody else have any feedback? Right, you have to find a way. Again, depending on who this person is and your organizational structure, you're going to have to fine tune your language, but, again, keeping it upbeat. I appreciate you. Thank you for weighing in. I'm glad you shared your opinion. I'd also like to get other people weighing in here too. So it's you're engaging them, but you're also putting a time clock on it because you're bringing other people into and this will help keep them in check without giving a lot of additional friction.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Okay, the last one we're going to talk about today is the fragile narcissist. They're not the loudest person in the room, but they still crave validation. They are really insecure and they're prone to shame spirals, which, again, is gonna be in their head, probably not outward to you so they're gonna be hypersensitive to criticism. They're gonna mask all this with some sort of self-importance. There's probably a lot of passive, aggressive nature to their conversation and you may find yourself swinging between sympathy or empathy for them and frustration when dealing with them, and you have to check yourself because otherwise you will get sucked into the spiral.

Speaker 1: 15:25

This is Kendall Roy in Succession. This is BoJack Horseman in self-titled BoJack Horseman on Netflix. Or Tom, I always slaughter his last name, wambigans Is that how you say it from Succession. You know, tom from Succession, pain Sponge Tom from Succession. Right, they are desperate to be seen as brilliant, yet constantly battling with self-doubt. One moment you're seeking their approval and the next they're sulking over their imagined sights and insults. So here is how you navigate them Validate it, but don't overdo it. Right If you know they crave reassurance and giving them constant validation it just feeds the cycle. So acknowledge their contributions, but don't enable their endless knees for praise.

Speaker 1: 16:15

Here are some suggestions. That's a really interesting perspective. You clearly put thought into it. I've honored them and I've also shut it down. Good point. Let's take that into our brainstorm session this afternoon. Right, I've honored it, talking about it later and then later. You can also then go back to how you're going to put in the team's inputs or thanks. So much let's get other people to weigh in. It's that this keeps them from spiraling, while also maintaining balance. I want you to deliver feedback to the best of your ability like a diplomat. Criticism, even mild, even teasing, is going to trigger defensiveness or potentially self-pity. So instead of saying to them things like that doesn't work again, compliment first, be the diplomat. I see where you're going with this. Let's refine this a bit and I think we can all make it even stronger.

Speaker 1: 17:10

If they start to melt down or act overwhelmed, stay neutral. Do not get pulled into their story. Stick to the facts. Then watch for guilt traps. They may go into self-victimization. No one ever listens to my ideas. Well, I guess. Fine, is this not good enough for you? Okay, well, maybe I should just step back and not be involved in this, right, this isn't about quitting. It's about a bid they want from you of reassurance. So, instead of rushing to comfort them, redirect with, I hear you, let's focus on what we can do next. Okay, I hear you, let's focus on what we can do next. Okay, I hear you. What's the best way that you want to move forward? This keeps them grounded, rather than indulging in any spirals and then avoid.

Speaker 1: 18:00

There's going to be sort of landmines that are going to be very ego-based, so they might compare themselves to others and seeking some sort of favoritism. Right, this may be an internal talk track or some passive, aggressive leakage that comes out, but it's like, why are they doing that and not us? That should be us, god, I put in so much effort but no one sees it. Resist, engaging in office politics Instead, reframe the discussion, that's awesome. Let's position you for that next opportunity, or? Well, what do you want to do to showcase your strengths? Right, so, shifting them away from that resentment and getting them towards self-improvement. And then, last, I want you to keep your emotional boundaries firm. Again, there's going to be highs, there's going to be lows. Be supportive, but you're not the therapist.

Speaker 1: 18:50

If they vent too much, redirect to solutions. If they're constantly needing reinsurance, give measured validation, but don't overindulge. And if they start guilt tripping, you stay neutral. Stick to the facts and get into solution. If something doesn't go their way, they're going to internalize the failure. They're going to either withdraw or last lash out.

Speaker 1: 19:17

And if you start to see this coming, you can preempt it and be like look, failure is just one less way it's going to work. Or setbacks happen to all of us. Let's just move forward. This is just one step in the process. Let's redefine this and keep moving. They aren't villains, they're just emotionally exhausting. So when you stay empathetic but firm, you will do yourself a lot of favor and not getting sucked into their emotional guilt traps. So there you have it, folks. There are the grandiose, the high functioning and the fragile narcissist. As always, I want to hear from you what are you dealing with? How have you dealt with it? Hit me up, send me an email, hello at jillgriffincoachingcom, or you can always answer in any of the socials. All right, friends, until next time, please embrace possibility, be in that mindset, be intentional, inspired and always be kind. I'll see you soon.