Why We’re So Hard on Ourselves—And How to Break the Cycle

We’re often our own toughest critics, but self-doubt doesn’t have to control us. Learn how to shift your mindset, stay neutral, and lead with confidence. In this episode you learn:

• How to break free from self-criticism and reframe negative thoughts.
• The power of neutral thinking to reduce stress and improve decision-making.
• Leadership mindset strategies to stay focused and navigate challenges effectively.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Career Refresh
• 0:39 Why We're Hard on Ourselves
• 1:25 A Personal Experience with Self-Doubt
• 4:21 Catching and Processing Negative Emotions
• 6:08 Separating Performance from Outcomes
• 7:53 Three Strategies for Mental Clarity
• 10:11 Confidence vs. Self-Confidence

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey there, I'm Jill Griffin, leadership strategist and executive coach. I spent the last 15 years helping professionals at all levels of leadership skills navigate career transitions, drive workplace success. And listen. Leadership isn't just about titles and bank accounts, but it's about strategy, mindset and action. This is the Career Refresh your source for career strategy, leadership development and managing and creating high performance teams. We give you workplace insights and, whether you're aiming for your next promotion, refining your executive presence or building a team that thrives, this is where you're going to get the guidance you need to succeed.

Speaker 1: 0:39

This week, I want to talk about why we are so dang hard on ourselves and that we don't have to believe. We believe our own thoughts, and often we do this without questioning them. We look at our past and we assume that it predicts our future, and our brains are not always clear on the facts, no matter how certain we feel, and just because something happened a certain way in the past doesn't mean it will happen again the same way. I want to dig into this more in today's episode. Let's do it, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends. Sometimes our minds cannot see the truth. Other times, our brains think they are convinced and they know the truth and exactly what happened. And either way, whether we know or don't know, we have a choice on how we get to respond.

Speaker 1: 1:45

I recently had an opportunity I was really excited about. I got prepared. I was thorough, my friends. I mean thorough. I had my case studies, I had my research, I had my data, I did my mindset work. I got ready, which is the mindset I got prepared, which is all the case studies, the research and the data. I was ready. I slept well the night before, didn't think about it too much.

Speaker 1: 2:07

The morning of got to the meeting was there and I noticed that during the experience, my brain was performing the way I'd wanted it to. I was hearing my brain say oh, that was good, that was a good. Oh yeah, you really heard what they were saying, you heard the nuance there. You really, you really did well Like my brain was giving me compliments. And then after the meeting, well, let me, before we get to that, the meeting didn't end the way previous meetings like this had ended the next steps, what we're going to do next. It just was different this time. There wasn't a lot of clarity. We had clarity on the next steps, but there wasn't a lot of clarity if we were going to an interim phase or was there a next step between the next step? It just all of a sudden my brain decided to get very confused. So after the meeting I noticed my brain was spinning out.

Speaker 1: 2:58

But here's the difference this time it took about 30 minutes before I caught myself, and it doesn't mean it was a very comfortable 30 minutes. It certainly wasn't because I was beating myself up and I was really self-critical. But what I did as a student of my work is I got out that notes app, I sat on a bench and I wrote down my thoughts and I examined every emotion that was being triggered and just gave it a little bit of attention. And when we process the emotion and give the emotion or the feeling right I'm using those words interchangeably when we give it a little bit of attention, we start to have a chance to diffuse the neurochemicals. You're having a thought. It is creating a sensation in your body. It is sending neurochemicals to an area of your body. Some of us feel it in our heads, our shoulders, our stomach aches. I always feel it in my throat and chest. There's a tightening, a quickening, so to speak. Right, I feel that and I'm noticing that I'm getting triggered, but all I'm doing is having pre-worry. I don't have any information to go on.

Speaker 1: 4:07

Yes, the meeting ended differently than it had previously ended. Yes, I took the steps that I could control, but I don't control everyone in the meeting. I mean, I would love to think that I do, but I don't control everybody in the room. Getting to that place of neutrality helped me calm down. I mean, I could literally see on my aura ring later how my heart rate was going up and continue to stay up that high and then was having spikes right to show me that my heart rate was elevated. And an Oura Ring is just a fitness device. It's a wearable. I wear one on my finger, but it's often interesting to see how it decides to tell me that I'm in a workout when actually I wasn't in a workout, I was sitting still, but that my heart rate had spiked.

Speaker 1: 4:51

So I started to let go of the actual performance and remind myself of the information I had and try to stay neutral about the outcome, meaning separating the performance and the information I knew versus the outcome. I don't get to control the outcome. I only get to control what I think and what I do, but whether or not I'm getting this opportunity. It's really about other people them to decide if I'm the person or not. So, while I did end up having the positive response I had hoped for yay, because of how I treated myself in the meantime it took a bit of the joy out of it.

Speaker 1: 5:32

The experience reminded me again that my brain has a negativity bias and it wants to protect me. It wants to help me prepare for the failure before it even happens. It's waiting for that chew to drop, so let me have it drop now, so I know what it is. I can't stay in the uncertainty, but this only creates that unnecessary stress, and when I focus on what I actually do know, I can then choose how I want to think about it, and that helps me stay neutral. Look, I may not always get the opportunity, but at least I don't have to drag myself through the mud while I'm waiting to find out.

Speaker 1: 6:08

If you're in this place, I see you, I get you. I've been there, I can help you. I spent the last 15 years helping others and myself, clearly, through these scenarios, and I can show you how to move through it. Leadership just isn't about strategy. It is also about mindset. It's about how to show up as the leader we want to be. We need a plan and we need guidance, and I'm here to help you create both. So the three things I want you to do whether you're a pen and paper person or get that notes app, got it Okay One is I want you to catch and question your thoughts.

Speaker 1: 6:47

Your brain is going to offer thoughts that feel like facts, and it's going to do it just as often as it would offer you fear and assumptions. But when you notice yourself in that spin in the blender, pause and ask is this true? What other possible explanations could exist? What would I say to a friend or a colleague if they came to me with this situation? Say to a friend or a colleague if they came to me with this situation. And writing down those thoughts and challenging them can help break the cycle of that self-doubt meaning you still may not get the job, the win, the promotion, the opportunity, the new business deal. I'm not saying that. I'm saying let us not drag ourselves through the mud's. Look at the facts. Maybe we weren't aligned. Maybe the chemistry was off. Maybe the budget's not there. Maybe it needs to be delayed because of outside circumstances. Let's look at the facts before we decide that we did something wrong.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Next, I want you to shift to neutral thinking. If positivity feels forced and that can, because it's like toxic positivity, we're not talking about that I want you to aim for neutrality Instead of saying like it's going to be fine when you don't believe it, saying things to yourself I'm learning how to create this opportunity. I am positive, prepared, I am ready, staying in places that you can believe because you did prepare. You are ready. I am now waiting for a response. All of that's true. When you stay in those places, you can be in neutrality and it keeps you away from the unnecessary stress of continuing to wonder. But these places of putting it into the future sense I am prepared and now I wait for the answer can allow us to sit in the wait with neutrality and confidence.

Speaker 1: 8:44

And then, lastly, I want you to think about what you can control. I often say draw a line down the paper. What's in your control? Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, what's not in your control? Everything else. You can't control the outcome, but you can control how you treat yourself in the process. I want you to focus on the power where you can prepare your thoughts. You can manage your thoughts. You can question your thoughts. Is this true? Can I prove that it's true? How could I prove that it's true? At that point you're probably not gonna be able to prove that it's true, because it's a thought.

Speaker 1: 9:17

And then staying in the presence versus predicting the disaster, I'm not going to get the job. This is not going to happen. I totally messed up. You know what. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm going to stay in the now. What can I focus on now? It's possible I can get the job. It's possible I can win that new piece of business. It's possible. Staying in that place, no matter the outcome. You don't want to come out of it with unnecessary suffering and drag yourself through the exhaustion. That's what we're shooting for here.

Speaker 1: 9:50

Whatever's going to come, your brain is going to be able to handle it. How do I know? Because it does. Your brain just figures out the way through, constantly challenging what it's thinking, how to navigate and move forward, and that's the difference between confidence and self-confidence. Right, confidence is I did it before. I have experience, I can do it again. Now.

Speaker 1: 10:11

You might say but I haven't done this before, jill, that's fine, but you've been in a not been done before situation and you succeeded. That's how you build confidence. You gave a presentation before you can do it again. You rode a bicycle before you can do it again. That's the confidence, the self-confidence is knowing that you can experience every little freaking, shitty emotion that's going to drag you through the mud, but you're going to know how to catch yourself, you're going to know how to stop it and you can know how to be neutral and know that you will get to the other side of it. All right, friends, that's what I have for you this week. I appreciate you so much for being here and remember, really embrace that possibility, be in the space of neutrality around your thoughts, be intentional and always, always be kind. All right, I'll see you next week.